403 Error

YEAH

2009-03-19T16:01:17Z

Oh man I've just been diagnosed 99.9% BPD free by my new doctor. I knew I could conquor this fucker.

I still have anxiety and avoidant and etc, but this was the weird big one and alot of the symptoms were the hard to notice but obviously there like BAM if you knew me well enough (HOW AM I PERCEIVED BY OTHERS OH GOD GOTTA LOOK COOL GOTTA CONFORM) you would know. I feel more confident in myself, how I look, and with who I am. Coming out as a furry helped, and goodness knows all the help from my awesomely awesome friends who are awesome also helped.

The biggest help I got, though, was from Josh. I can never, ever thank you enough honey. You sat with me and held my hand during the absolute darkest depths of my life since my childhood and took streams and torrents of uncontrolled terror from me. You are the best person I have ever known, and there is no way to ever express how much you have done for turning my life around.

I love you.

forced_downtime @ 2009-03-19T07:24:00

2009-03-19T12:25:06Z

Can I just be recovered now?

New Medication: not working

2009-01-21T06:39:25Z

I've been keeping a low profile for a while because I've been an emotional sack of shit lately,with daily anxiety attacks and a depression that drops me to my knees. I'm pretty much spending all my strength every day trying to be normal, or to feel like I swear I used to feel.

The doctor upped my citalopram, which caused nightmares so intense that my sleep schedule got knocked upside down and I'd panic before I wentto sleep because I didn't want to dream. She lowered the dosage and put me on a new medicine to help with the constant crippling anxety.

It's not working. All it does is make me sleeep, and then feel guilty for sleeping so much which perpetrates a cycle of feeling horrible.

I just don't want to go through this anymore. I want to feel happy.

forced_downtime @ 2009-01-07T15:24:00

2009-01-07T21:25:21Z

Current Mood: UNDERAPPRECIATED

forced_downtime @ 2009-01-04T12:33:00

2009-01-04T18:33:36Z

I am so incredibly dissapointing

forced_downtime @ 2008-10-10T23:36:00

2008-10-11T04:47:06Z

boy howdy this is the most depressed i've felt in a

LONG

TIME

I'm customizing my computer to take my mind off of it but whoo :(

Project!

2008-09-22T22:06:19Z

When I feel blue, my new thing is to do projects. So here's some footage from an Educational Film about Running Water set to Boards of Canada's "Skyliner"

It was a project I did for Josh as well, as he is a fan of BOC and Running Water.

Updates!

2008-04-04T17:47:53Z

I've been doing on and off lately and I've got this creepy painful lump thingie on my left thigh. I've had something like it before in the same place and it sort of just went away, so I'm hoping that'll happen again.

Ernie is ALL all better now, and gets his stitches removed today. He's been romping and drinking tons of water and purring and being a good pig in general. It's so weird, all the noises he makes when he drinks and eats were always sort of background noise to me, but now they're these joyous little songs.

Santo is...he's Santo, pretty much. He was weird and anxious when Ernie was sick, but when Ernie came back from surgery after Josh and I picked up Danny and Dereck for the weekend Santo was all HURRAY TIME TO BE CUTE PURR MURR I LOVE EVERYTHING

HEY I HEARD YOU WERE ALLERGIC TO CATS MROW OK SITTING IN YOUR LAP GOODNIGHT!!!!!!!

So yeah that is awesome. ALSO having Danny and Dereck over was totally wicked awesome. I got to cook and be a hostess which is like my favorite thing to do ever. I made curry rice noodles and vegetarian chili. Next time I am TOTALLY going to make cornbread.

Good Food and Good News

2008-03-17T00:41:07Z

Ernie has definitely taken an upturn. He's eating on his own and he's purring and wheeking and doing guinea pig stuff. He's not eating as much, though, and I've been giving him this water and parsley I blended up in the blender. He hates it, but it's the only way he's gonna drink water. The badside about him feeling better is that he can now struggle far easier than before.

I'm so glad he's feeling better. This week has been damn and shit and bullshit. I completely broke down today because SURPRISE SURPRISE my dumb ladytime started which made my hormones go WELP LET'S GO FUCKING NUTS. I was mad at the email response, I was mad about this one guy from the Rom Scene who totally molested a girl posting and bragging about it, I was upset that I might lose Ernie, and I was upset that so many people go and hurt and destroy and there's never any consequences for their actions.

I made fun of some libertarian message board and such, but that was a short lived high.

I HAVE, however, made a GIANT batch of gluten free brownies from this amazing gluten-free mix. These brownies are the best brownies I have had in my life. Ever. Hands down. They're SO so so delicious. The recipes on the side of the mix recommended putting in a few teaspoons of instant coffee to make "mocha brownies" and oh my goodness I did that and these are SO

SO SO SO

GOOOOOOD

Sad News

2008-03-15T12:52:40Z

Some of you've already heard this, but yesterday we had to take Ernie to the vet. He had a very VERY swollen nipple and he wasn't eating or drinking at all. The vet said it was either a tumor or an infection. We're rooting for an infection, but it's pretty touch and go. After he went to the vet he ate a little bit, which was good. He hasn't really eaten today, but hopefully he will soon.

Think kind thoughts for Ernie, and if you are so inclined keep him in your prayers. Think kind thoughts for Josh as well, as he loves Ernie with all his might and being. He's being the best doctor anyone could ever be in this situation.

ERROR: THIS RESPONSE EXCEDES CURRENT LEVELS OF ALLOWED CUNTINESS

2008-03-15T04:03:42Z

After waiting three days, I did get a response back from said sister re: molestation. I was feeling really bad for her today, before I got the response. I was thinking about emailing her about how I know that she must feel so shocked to hear this and that I hope she was allright, you know? Because I KNOW it must be a horrible thing to hear, I couldn't even imagine.

Well she DID message me back and oh my oh myyyy

It was pretty much this passive aggressive WELL I HAD BAD THINGS HAPPEN AND I GOT OVER THEM

WHAT ABOUT YOU HUH? WHY HAVEN'T YOU GOTTEN OVER THEM? DON'T USE YOUR MOLESTATION AS AN EXCUSE!

HEY HERE ARE SOME EXCUSES WHY IT WASN'T THAT BAD OF A DEAL THAT MY BROTHER MOLESTED YOU! HE WAS YOUNG! (NOTE: 15 is not younnnng) AND YOUNG KIDS DO STUPID THINGS!

PS LET'S BE FRIENDS :)

That's pretty much the short synopsis and yeah, I'm pretty UGGGGH but it does feel good to not really feel sympathetic to her anymore.

HURRAY

2008-03-08T03:11:41Z

I haven't been using this journal much as of late, but that's because I'm doing much better lately. It's..it's so NICE, actually.

My mom called me today to thank me for her and her wife's Christmas gifts (two R4 devices with memory cards FILLED with games). She also mentioned getting me a few gluten-free snacks from this one nutrition store and Trader Joes.

When I asked her what she got me, my jaw totally dropped.

HERE'S WHAT MY MOM GOT ME:
Pretzels
like five different varieties of cookies
pancake mix!
BROWNIE MIX!!!!!!!
PASTA pasta PASTA
and a ton more things. She told me that she got some of everything with a few different brands so I can pick out which ones I like. "a few snacks" my ASS, mom! She's always super generous when it comes to sending me stuff, even if a lot of it isn't very useful or anything. But this? ohhhh yeah I am super excited. SUPER excited :D And she even consulted to a Celiac lady her wife is friends with so I'm absolutely sure it's gonna be safe. She said I ONLY GOT THE THINGS THAT EXPLICITLY STATED GLUTEN-FREE BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO MAKE YOU SICK.

I've been going through the gluten-free mall looking for things I might want to get in the future and I'm finding a TON of awesome things I sort of want. CROUTONS! Shells and Cheese!

So yeah I am pretty much in general thumbs up!

Would you like a gift reciept for your girlfriend tonight?

2008-02-25T21:17:16Z

Damaged goods. Damaged motherfucking goods. I hate that fucking phrase, I really REALLY do.

URBAN DICTIONARY DEFINES DAMAGED GOODS AS: Someone who was once healthy and/or normal but isn't anymore due to unfortunate, traumatic events in his/her life (i.e. physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, drug abuse...u get it).

I'm fucking sick of this misogynistic turn of phrase and I'm fucking sick of dudes who see any woman who was sexually abused as "damaged goods." First of all, women are not """goods""" they are fucking human beings. Secondly, being sexually abused doesn't make you some sort of fucking terrible girlfriend as well.

I've dated dudes who were """"damaged goods"""" due to having problems when they were kids and I've never been all GODDAMNIT I CAN'T BE WITH THIS FUCKER BECAUSE OF HIS PAST >:(

I've also been lucky to never have been with a dude who was all OH HEY I HEARD YOU WERE RAPED AS A KID, SORRY GOTTA GO! Even the boyfriends I'm totally FROWN CITY on were at least considerate of the fact that I couldn't do a couple of things sexually because of my past. So I'm not like complaining about the damaged goods mindset from experience or anything.

A girl who has been abused in the past is not a can with a fucking dent in it. She's not some ill-fitting sweater your grandmother got you with a bootleg Mickey Mouse on it. She's not a keyed car. She's a human being with human feelings. Every single woman who's been sexually abused are not the same. There are consistent patterns, sure, but that doesn't mean that you have to construct a giant 80 mile fence around yourself to keep them away.

Finally, I'm going to be incredibly TMI here for a second, I may be damaged goods but I am an EXCELLENT fucking lay.

So fuck that phrase and fuck that mindset. Fuck it in the balls forever.

Love the diet

2008-02-06T22:03:20Z

I think I really might have had a gluten-intolerance, because today is my sixth day on the diet and I'm feeling REALLY good, better than I have in ages. Cooking gluten-free isn't as insanely hard as I thought it would be, either. I've made these amazing gluten-free cookies and an incredible gluten-free peanut butter pie. I've also been working on using this gf flour mix + xantham gum in the place of regular flour in other recipes as well.

I do need to start baking lower-fat gf stuff. My peanut butter pie wasn't so bad but my cookies are FAT AND SUGAR CITY (SO GOOD). I picked up another brand of ricemilk that's WAY better than the last stuff I was using (and cheaper, too). I found that if you buy rice flour and stuff in bulk you can get it for WAY cheaper.

Also, one of my favorite brand of potato chips (archer farms baked garlic and rosemary potato "crisps") are gluten/dairy/soy free so I'm all YUM about that. Popcorn is safe too which makes me pretty happy!

TODAY: I am :)

Bread, I hardly knew ye

2008-02-01T02:20:37Z

I went to my followup appointment, and after a bit of testing and such the doctor thinks I might be a Celiac. Which means, along with me not being able to have dairy or soy, that I can't have grains and wheat and flour and rye and SO MUCH. I HAVE to spend one month gluten free to see if it'll do me any good.

While I'm happy that I might be able to finally cure my stomach ailments, going without gluten is a HUGE pain in the ass and I'm pretty bummed about the whole deal. I'm just able to eat less and less, and I think I CAN have rice milk but I'm not sure in particular.

I'm going to have to redo a lot of my recipes and get gluten free flour and pasta and gluten-free flour and pasta and shit is so much more expensive. I already feel like a big burden on Josh because of my diseases and sickness and already weird special diet, but now it's gonna be such a big change I just feel like a goddamn heel.

I'm pretty down today, but I'm hoping I'll feel better after I get this diet started and stuff.

Sickness update

2008-01-28T21:50:50Z

The pain in my legs is all better for the most part, while that awful band of pain around my stomach/back is still awful. I scheduled the ultrasound appointment, and it's cheaper than I expected it to be, so that was a nice surprise. I'm feeling worse than I did before, so I don't know if the medicine is working or not. Not only that, but my ladyparts can't decide whether or not to start my period or not. It's been spotty then off then spotty then crampy then nothing. It's driving me insane, I want to rip it out and punch it a few times.

But, you know, even after all of this bullshit I feel really, really lucky. I have amazing, generous friends and I'm living with my absolute best friend and favorite person in the world. I really am lucky, you know?

Infected

2008-01-23T16:57:40Z

As I've mentioned before in my two other journals, I'm going through some tough times regarding my health as of late. Apparently I have something wrong with my ladyparts and I'm going to need an ultrasound. They gave me a ton of medication and ran a gamut of tests (comfortable and not) on me and it's all very, very expensive. I put out a call for commissions in my furry journal and in my regular one, and I'm getting bites on both. One guy, bless him, paid me a LOT to do a few felt pieces and art for him and his signifigant other. I have to say, I know "lol furries" and all but I've had nothing but good experience while doing furry stuff for myself and others. I've only had one or two run-ins with extremely rude people, actually. I've been lucky to meet some really nice people and make some good friends with this stuff.

The doctor and the staff was terribly patronizing and rude, though. I've noticed that doctor's tend to be ruder to me when they find out I have no insurance. This doctor was snippy at first, but then turned to patronizing when he described what I had, repeating himself over and over and talking in very VERY simple terms. I absolutely HATE being patronized, I really do. I'd much rather deal with a rude person than someone talking to me like I'm an idiot.

My legs, My legs, My legs are on fire

2008-01-17T22:26:50Z

Since about Monday I've been having these incredibly bad cramps in my legs, back, and uterus. I'm nowhere NEAR my period, and it hurts even to bend over or sit or lay down or stand re: my legs. I already have a doctors appointment, and that's next Tuesday. I've been using this SITTING DOWN time to read more comics and cook.

My new thing that I want to start doing is making my own instant mixes, like hot cocoa and brownie and etc. The nice thing about that is that a) it's totally cheaper and b) I don't have to look at the back of the box and see if it's by a company I don't like. Part of my philosophy is that I don't give money to assholes. There are a few corporations that I'm so UGGGH at I just don't buy any of their products (nestle is the one thing that I never buy from if I can because of their unethical practices in Africa). I know one lady not buying something isn't going to change anyone's ways, but I feel better not giving money to things I don't like I guess.

ANYWAY, so now I can make my own mixes, including TACO SEASONING and all sorts of stuff!

Cozy Central, Population: Me

2008-01-02T20:33:39Z

I got a $25 gift card to Kohl's for Christmas from Josh's parents, and I had fun spending it yesterday. I got this INCREDIBLE robe, as seen here, and it feels like a blanket, like actually wearing a blanket. It's incredibly soft and amazing and WARM, oh lord so warm. I love it! The one I got has little stars and moons on it and seriously, best thing. It was on sale for seventeen bucks, (it was usualy 45 dollars or something) and it was SO WORTH IT.

I also got some scented candles that were 80% off AND a Secret Wars t-shirt (also on sale). The only thing the secret wars shirt is missing is lockjaw, but you can't win them all!

I'm going to try to make Strata on Friday night, so I can have it on Saturday morning. I've never made it before, but it used to be something my mom would ALWAYS make for Christmas Morning. It is SO GOOD, goddaaaaamn.

California Reminscents, New Year's Eve, and Piracy

2008-01-01T00:10:17Z

Josh has been reading the Jack Kirby Fourth World Omnibus, which features an afterward written by Mark Evanier. Seeing this sparked my interest in re-reading Comics and Other Neccessities (I probably got that name wrong), a collection of columns written by Mark Evanier. Mark Evanier is a very funny author whose reminiscing about his childhood in L.A. reminds me of all the places I grew up around. Places like The Hat, Burger Town USA, places that served chili sizes and french dip and pastrami sandwiches bigger than your forearm.

California is LITTERED with local eateries, greasy spoons, and all sorts of burger joints. Ever since moving to Texas, I've seen TWO independent burger places. TWO. Back in the Inland Empire, you couldn't go two blocks without seeing a "CRAZY GREEK BURGERS" or a "TOM'S BURGERS #2" or any such assortment of burgers + cheap dinners establishments. The places where there's no indoor seating and you sit outside on these crappy little benches and tables, where the burgers were HUGE and you could get anything from fried fish to a gyro. The burgers though, oh god the burgers at those sort of places were divine. Not only were they, as mentioned before, gigantic, but they were juicy and REAL and served on toasted buns (which, in fact, really DOES make a difference). I also loved the little Greasy Spoons, where you could get an average cup of coffee and a milkshake at two am in the morning after a night of bad behavior. You could also get a malted, if you were so inclined, but very few places knew the difference which used to piss my dad off since he prefered malteds to just plain milkshakes (they do taste incredibly different, really).

After discussing this a bit with Josh, he's set it upon himself to make a chili size. A chili size, which is apparently a southern california exclusive from what I've heard, is an open face hamburger covered in chili and topped with onions and cheddar cheese. I made one for Josh before one time with some leftover turkey burger patties we had, and he was enamoured (or at least he appeared to be). I can smell the burgers right now, and I'm sure it will go great with our New Years Eve festivities (stay up late, eat, and watch a mini marathon of Speed racer and capping it off with a viewing of Cool as Ice).

Also of note today is that I downloaded my first torrent of scanned comics. BUT WAIT, I actually downloaded comics I have already bought so it's not like UGGGGH PIRACY. For the first time I think ever, I actually downloaded these comics for back up purpouses! My actual copies of said comics are on the bottom and back of the hall closet, and like HELL if I want to take apart the little leaning tower of boxes in there just to read a couple of issues. So, yes, when that little scanner logo comes up on the last page, scanned by some bozo named METALDAVE or STREET SCANNING SAMURAI or god 420 COMIXXX SCANS that says BUY COMICS AND SUPPORT THE INDUSTRY, I can say "Yes, thank you oRiOn for DCP, I HAVE purchased these comics"

How dry I am

2007-12-28T17:33:46Z

As mentioned before, the Seroquel tends to cause stiffness in the neck and back. I was prescribed a new medicine to take care of that (something prescribed to Parkinson's patients, I forget the name off the top of my head but I remember there being a Law and Order episode that featured said medicine as a very important clue), and it works by stopping secretions or something.

Oh, yes it does. Oh, yes, I have a terrible case of dry mouth and lips. I have to keep drinking water to keep my mouth lubricated, or else I sound like a horse trying to lick peanut butter off the roof of his mouth. Josh HATES this noise and I'm doing my best to keep my mouth hydrated, but the thing is that since the medicine is stopping secretions it means that no matter how much I drink it's going to go right through me

I've always had a bit of a bladder problem, but NEVER like I have now. Oh my lord, I am a total goddamned Grandma now when it comes to that sort of thing.

It also dries out your nose, so it feels like I have corn flakes attached to the inside of it. But my back hurts less! That's good!

Now that I got a nice mop for christmas, I've been cleaning up a STORM. I cleaned the bathroom top to bottom yesterday, and the day before I did a MAJOR cleaning on the kitchen. It feels good to feel accomplished. I actually ASKED for a mop for Christmas, and in return I got this microfiber SOFT SOFT SOFT mop. It feels like hugging a cashmere sweater, and it works REALLY well. It's not as soft as these INSANELY SOFT socks that I got, but it's far softer than it needs to be.

I vote this the world's worst birthday gift

2007-12-21T01:36:10Z

So, I got my paperwork back from Social Security today (on my birthday). And, yeah, I've been rejected. I mean, I figured they would and I figured that I'd have to reapply but you know couldn't I have received this on another day?

I'm pretty bummed, but I'll just reapply in January (I have sixty days to reapply).

The rest of the day was completely awesome, however! I'm going to do a photo post of it in my journals, perhaps later tonight. We went to Brazos Bend State Park and oh my GOODNESS it was quiet! We went to the nature center and the docent was just sitting outside reading. She quickly jumped up and let us in and gave us a tour, and she even let us pet one of the baby alligators (which are SO CUTE, by the way). Josh and I had a lovely, LOVELY picnic in the quiet of the park, with only the birds chirping and singing to be heard. We later went on a minor hike, only to see that our trail had a FUCKING ALLIGATOR in the middle of it, just bathing. Seriously, he was all like FLUMP SLEEPING. Needless to say, we just turned around and left.

Josh got me Ratatouille for my birthday as well, so we sat down and watched it. I also got a big bottle of Amarula, which is delicious! Saturday I'm going to get to go to SEA WORLD because we have season passes that we never use. I'm totally looking forward to that, I love their penguin exhibit and I LOVE theme parks!

Sometimes with the way I'm feeling I think PFFFF I can go back to work but then I go someplace crowded and WHOOPS NO WAY. If the social security doesn't pull through, I'll try again to get a job at someplace more laid back if I can.

Birthday has been SO GOOD

2007-12-17T22:04:01Z

This is now my official birthday week, and every day I keep getting something more and more awesome. On Saturday I went out to the mall to get a new outfit courtesy of Josh's mom. I had a panic attack that lasted for a bit, because a) it was incredibly INCREDIBLY crowded and b) it was impossible to find anything and I got so goddamn frustrated. I DID find a nice sweater at Macy's and two skirts/tights at JC Penny's, and then I went to payless to get a pair of shoes that fit and oh god I'm just going to have to get Josh to take a picture of me in this new outfit.

We stayed at Starbucks for a little bit playing clubhouse games, and it was splendid and Lionel Hampton was piping through the speakers and I just MELTED away. Afterwards we went out to dinner for my birthday with Josh's parents at this nice little Mexican place that makes this INCREDIBLE squash enchilada.

I got money from my grandpa in the mail the next day, so we went to this one bath store and I picked out some bath salts and one of those little eyemask things because I like to have my eyes covered during meditation sessions. I took a bath with them last night and oh god AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME (awesome)

Today I got a new pair of glasses from Josh for my birthday! They're SUPER cute and I'm still dizzy getting used to them. I also got a scented oil diffuser thing and oh MAN that is great. I bought some REALLY nice incense from theotherbaldwin a while back and it smelled SO GOOD but my smoke allergy has gotten so bad that I can't burn them anymore. So I've been looking to get an oil burner and BAM here it is! I have no idea how they knew that I TOTALLY needed it but it's so nice, so very very nice. It came with apple scented oil and oh man HOW DID THEY KNOW?

On Thursday (my actual birthday) I'm going out with Josh on a picnic, and then on Saturday I go to SEAWORLD. On Monday I'm going to Josh's parents house and spending christmas eve there. Luckily I finished all their presents and stuff so I'm GOOD TO GO. I'm going to be making spiced cider and cranberry sauce!

I'm so serious when I say that this medication has been a GODSEND, I'm doing so much better to the point that I'm getting cocky and going YEAH WHOO I CAN GO TO CROWDED PLACES ohhh shit panic attack N/M

I also got some new meds for the stiffness I get from my seroquel and it is REALLY nice :)

IN CONCLUSION: life is pretty sweet

sickness

2007-12-07T19:13:37Z

Josh is sick! He got the sickness that I have that's been keeping me really down lately. I'm worried, he's REALLY down for the count! Although I have to admit, he is kinda cute when he's sleeping. What can I say, I'm a dummy like that. I think sleeping men are cute!

This new dosage of medicine is doing WONDERS for me. I've been far, far better than I think I deserve to be and the only thing keeping me down lately has been working on christmas gifts and the fact that I'm totally sick.

Thanksgiving Weekend: thumbs up

2007-11-28T17:45:32Z

Thanksgiving was incredibly lovely. The weather was consistently in the fifties, there was a fire in the fireplace at Josh's parents place, and everyone adored my cooking. I also had the quinnesential american Green Bean Casserole for the first time and man, yum.

It was SO GREAT to be cold though, let me tell you. The thing I hate the most about the third coast is the goddamn heat and humidity. But oh, oh the feeling of being cold just elevates my heart and makes me feel so very, very good. Ever since the weather took a downward turn I've been doing a lot better when it comes to episodes and panic attacks. The upped meds haven't hurt, either.

My cranberry sauce and my soup was a hit! The soup ended up turning out better than I expected. I added a little sugar to it and MAN that really tied everything together. We're still working on leftovers from Josh's parents house, but they're still incredible. This weekend I made this spiced apple cider with cloves and cinnamon and it's so very good. I gave some to Josh's mom and she's now convinced it's made of magic.

After Thanksgiving we mostly stayed home, aside from picking up leftovers from the parents house. I called my mom after Thanksgiving, but she sounded really sick as usual. She still has this pnemonia that she's had since last November, which means they're still delaying surgery on her stomach. Oh, and Josh got me a scarf/hat/glove set from target that was on sale. It's VERY wonderful and warm and I love it. I also picked up presents for him but that is a SECRET.

(super secret)

(shhhh)